


It's A War

by buzzybeeforever



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Not Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-28 15:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7647172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzybeeforever/pseuds/buzzybeeforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What are you waiting for?"</p><p>Scorpius is Slytherin’s quintessential bad boy, but he has a secret to keep that, if revealed, could tear his life apart. Albus is a social recluse - a loser - and he’s had a crush on Scorpius for several years now. When he’s the one to uncover Scorpius’ secret, everything changes, but whether for better or worse, only time will tell. Inspired by the song ‘It’s A War’ by Blackbird Blackbird.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Careful

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to this little fic!! it's completely unrelated to out of the woods, my other fic, and i'm hoping it'll be short and sweet. this chapter is named after the song 'careful' by paramore (cos i just love naming fics and chapters after songs obviously) enjoy!

“the truth never set me free, so i’ll do it myself”

Albus' POV:

Albus Severus Potter was a loser; there were no two ways around it. He simply attracted the wrong sort of attention, and never failed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Things had been that way ever since he had arrived at Hogwarts, a shy and awkward eleven year old, and truth be told, that was exactly the way he preferred things to be.

In fact, in just over six years at Hogwarts, he had formed a comfortable sort of co-existence with his few friends, his flamboyant family, and the general student body. For the first year or two, they had clamoured for his attention at all hours, expecting him to be like his older brother, now a formidable Quidditch player hoping to be on the England squad one day. Once they realised his true personality, however, and his unfailing ability to make any conversation awkward beyond belief, they had all but one backed away.

Maria Lambert was, in all honesty, a godsend; she was the yin to Albus’ yang, someone he knew he could trust and rely on no matter what. It helped that she was just as much of an outcast as Albus; a Ravenclaw, dizzyingly intelligent though she would never let it show, a small, slight figure you would never notice in a room until it was too late. In class or any other social situation, she would refuse to say a word, but around Albus, she became an almost unbelievable chatterbox. She was his only friend, but she was enough.

Albus found himself regretting almost constantly that, during his Sorting (an arduous Hatstall that had gone on for nearly seven minutes), he had talked the Hat into letting him choose Slytherin over Ravenclaw. If it hadn’t been for Scorpius bloody Malfoy, who had intrigued him from the second he had seen the other boy on the platform at King's Cross, and who he had found himself thinking about throughout the train ride and the Sorting, his life would have been so much simpler.

But things were never simple when it came to Scorpius Malfoy, and they never had been.

Intrigue had given way to obsession, and at some point that he couldn’t - or wouldn’t - identify, this had given way to full-blown infatuation.

Despite being in the same House for over six years, Albus had barely spoken more than several words to Scorpius at a time; when in his presence, he became incapable of stringing sentences together, as if his mother tongue had simply abandoned him.

Then again, Scorpius was everything Albus could never hope to be.

From the second he had arrived at Hogwarts, he’d been well-known and well-liked. When it came to Scorpius, people seemed willing to forget about the past and his father’s name in a way they simply wouldn’t for Albus. The Malfoy heir had immediately befriended everyone else in their year in Slytherin, leaving Albus alone, though at the time that was how he wanted things to be.

Everything about Scorpius just seemed so effortless. He was effortlessly clever, while Albus constantly struggled to keep up in lessons. He was effortlessly cool, swanning around with his posse while Albus skulked around the school with his one and only friend. He wasn’t even on the Quidditch team, and yet girls clung to him as if he were the star player, while Albus had tried out for the team in Third Year and the ensuing embarrassment still made him cringe to this day. He was effortlessly everything, and it tore Albus apart.

Scorpius was a self-styled ‘bad boy’ and yet all of the teachers still fawned over him. If Albus wasn’t so helplessly in love with him, it probably would have irritated him, but instead he just found it fascinating, the way Scorpius seemed to be able to get away with anything and everything without the usual repercussions. If Albus behaved like that, storming out of classrooms or smoking at the top of the Astronomy tower, he didn’t doubt that he would be swiftly expelled. Then again, he tried hard not to draw that sort of attention to himself.

Over the past few years, Albus had learned that love was nothing but a heartbreaking, messy nuisance - and yet he still loved Scorpius. He knew nothing could ever come of it, though, so for the time being he was perfectly content to sit on the sidelines: watching him with furtive eyes in lessons, trying not to watch him when they happened to be in their dorm room at the same time.

It was a constant cycle of infatuation and loathing that Albus feared would only be broken when they graduated, and he would never have to see Scorpius again; it couldn’t come soon enough, in his opinion.

He hadn’t a clue what he wanted from the future or where he thought his life would take him, only that he hoped it would take him far, far away from Hogwarts and Scorpius and all of the prying eyes and whispered voices that had never been able to simply let him be. Perhaps he would one day find his place, but he had spent so long being lost that the notion of being found simply felt ridiculous.

Sometimes he wished he could be who everybody expected him to be: the perfect example of what it meant to be a Potter. But the Potter family already had James for that, and when James wasn’t enough, Lily was always there to fill in the gaps. While James was all strength and courage and a perfect encapsulation of Gryffindor House, Lily embodied the very spirit of Hufflepuff, which of course nobody saw as some kind of flaw on her part. She was so very happy and so very loved and so very, very humble about it all. She was seen as unfailingly kind, and Albus hated her for it.

He hated it because he had tried his best to emulate her, to prove to everybody that he wasn’t just side-eyed glances and awkward exchanges during partnered work in class, but his tongue tripped over itself and his brain tended to fill in the gaps with sarcastic remarks like some kind of bizarre coping method for the social situations that he so loathed. From then on he had vowed only to be himself, and look where that had gotten him -

Alone on a Saturday night, wandering the corridors aimlessly while his housemates celebrated their latest Quidditch win in typical boozy, flamboyant style. Albus had been to one or two of his House’s notorious parties, but the beer had tasted wrong and sour in his mouth and the music was just too loud and there had been nobody he could talk to, and so each time he had headed upstairs to bed, lingering in the stairwell for just a little while on the slim chance that someone might notice his absence and remark on it, but such a miracle never occurred. Not that he had expected anything different; he just wanted to be certain.

Wandering the labyrinth of Hogwarts’ corridors and passageways was one of the very few things that Albus enjoyed about school. Even without the Marauder’s Map that his brother had pinched less than surreptitiously from their father’s office and continued to rub in his face whenever he could, Albus knew his way around with an absolute certainty that seemed to balance out all of the other uncertainties in his life.

He knew the Prefects’ rounds and duties almost off by heart; the school year was still reasonably fresh, and there had been a few close calls. He knew which teachers liked to go for an evening stroll to discuss their pupils at length, and which portraits didn’t like to be disturbed. He had almost found a pattern in Peeves’ behaviour, and had only fallen victim to his pranks twice in nearly seven years.

Hogwarts and its mysterious ways were as familiar to Albus as the back of his own hand, which was why it came as such a shock when he sauntered past the boys' bathroom, his mind drifting a million miles away, and heard the distinct, jarring sounds of somebody crying. It was a kind of crying Albus was familiar with, the kind he usually encountered when he was lying in bed late at night; the hideous, devastating kind where the tears flowed freely, with no thought as to the possibility of ever being happy and whole again.

He lingered in the doorway, his ear pressed to the wall, his mind at war with itself as to whether or not he should enter. When the sobbing increased in both insistence and volume, he realised he had no other choice. Sure, he was probably about to partake in yet another awkward conversation in a lifelong string of awkward conversations, but if someone was hurting, he couldn’t simply let it happen. If he could help, in his own uncertain way, then surely it would be worth it.

His hand hovered above the door handle, his mind still whirring. Should he? Shouldn’t he?

Taking a deep breath, Albus pushed the door gently forwards. He stepped forward carefully, conscious of making any slight sound. Perhaps he could assess the situation first, and only then decide if helping was the best course of action.

He had to fight back a strangled sound when he saw who it was in the bathroom.

Scorpius Malfoy.

It took Albus a few seconds to realise what he was seeing, for his brain to catch up with what was right there in front of him, but once he did realise, he stumbled backwards, into the door, fumbling at the door handle.

In all of his eighteen years of life, he didn’t think he had seen somebody look as broken as Scorpius did then. The other boy was a complete mess, his arms shaking as he gripped tightly onto the sink. In the mirror, Albus could see the tears in his eyes and the way they ran down his pallid cheeks. His hair, usually so neatly gelled back, was a mess, all tousled like he had been tearing his fingers through it in frustration. Albus wanted to reach out and touch him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak.

Albus could only watch, and try to comprehend what he saw.

But what he saw didn’t make sense; it felt like his eyes were betraying him, betraying what he believed he had known for certain. All of his preconceived perceptions of Scorpius were shattered, yet he couldn’t quite understand how.

Because instead of the usual layers of robes he seemed to wear even in the height of summer, Scorpius was in what Albus thought must be his underwear, but it was unlike anything he had seen before. His stomach, his waist, the curve of his hips; there was something distinctly _feminine_ about them. Something soft and vulnerable and unreachable.

And wrapped around his torso, some slightly shiny material like a vest, but shorter; why?

Albus took another step back, ready to flee - but of course, at that moment, he tripped slightly, clutching onto the wall for support. Scorpius’ eyes snapped to meet his through the reflection in the mirror.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Scorpius demanded, his eyes wide, frenzied. His voice was thick with tears and the sound of it broke Albus’ heart all over again.

“I…” Albus tried to speak, but the words simply wouldn’t come, “I’m sorry, I -”

“Whatever,” Scorpius muttered, turning to face him. He leaned against the sink, watching him, considering. “You’re here now. You’ve seen too much, you know too much.”

“Seen what?” Albus asked, once he had somewhat regained his composure. Scorpius didn’t answer; he was too busy fighting back tears again. Albus felt through his pockets, pulling out an old but unused tissue. “Here.”

Scorpius leant forward and snatched it from his hands, blowing his nose unceremoniously. It was perhaps the ugliest he had ever been, but Albus watched him softly, with wonder. Trying to understand, trying to pretend he wasn’t obviously staring.

In a few moments, Scorpius had more or less cleaned himself up, but he had made no attempts to put his robes back on. He turned back to Albus, watching him curiously. Albus flinched under his gaze, feeling warmth spread across his cheeks.

“You’re a bit of an enigma, you know, Albus Potter,” Scorpius mused, his usual smirk playing across his face. It unsettled Albus a little, to see him so like the Scorpius he saw in the classroom or on the corridor rather than the crying wreck he had been mere moments before. Scorpius had smoothed his hair down with water from the sink, and the shaking had become more of a light trembling.

“You’re, uh… Quite a mystery yourself,” Albus replied, simply because he felt he had to say something. He couldn’t stop his gaze from edging slightly downwards, grazing across hips and curves that didn’t quite make sense.

“Well, it’s not for lack of trying, I must say,” Scorpius said easily, far too easily. When his eyes followed Albus’, he blushed, almost imperceptibly. “You’re confused right now, aren’t you?”

“Just a little…” Albus admitted stiffly. Scorpius snorted with derision. Albus froze where he stood; had he done something wrong? Had he again broken some unspoken rule of social conduct?

“I wouldn’t blame you for a second if you were,” Scorpius said. It was incredible, how composed he had become; back straight, chin held high, completely unafraid. “You now know more about me than perhaps anybody else in the world.”

“I hardly know you at all.” Albus mumbled, unable to meet his eye.

“On the contrary,” Scorpius began. He seemed to hesitate for a few seconds, frowning, his pale blonde eyebrows furrowed in thought, before he took a step forward. “Look at me. What do you see?”

“I don’t… I don’t know what you mean,” Albus choked out through a series of short, shallow breaths, glancing up at the ceiling, down at the floor, at his hands, anywhere but at the person in front of him.

“Yes you do.” Scorpius took another step forward. There was now only a matter of feet between them; the distance was far too much and far too not enough all at once. Suppressing a sigh, Albus forced himself to look.

“I see… You,” Albus began. “The same face, the same smile, the same hair. But…” He paused. “The… Hips? The curves? They don’t make sense. They don’t match up.”

“They don’t match up!” Scorpius threw his hands up into the air, stalking back to the sink and staring at his own reflection for a few seconds. “That’s exactly it, don’t you see?”

“Not exactly, no…” Albus said, beginning to feel rather stupid. There was so much of the world he was yet to understand, but desperate to learn about, and here he was, realising for the first time just how little he truly knew.

“I’ve never said this out loud. Except to my parents...” Scorpius spun to fix him with a look. “Do you promise not to tell anybody?”

“Who would I possibly tell?” Albus asked.

“Good point,” Scorpius said, smiling briefly, if a little sadly. “Okay. So. Basically… Ugh! Why is this so hard?”

Albus had no answer for him.

“I am a boy.” Scorpius began, biting his lip.

“Yes?” Albus said, unable to phrase it as anything but a question.

“But, when I was born, the doctors assigned me as female…” With a sigh, Scorpius slid down the sink until he was sitting on the floor. He pulled his legs in close around him, like a barrier. “It never felt… Right. It was never _me_. Does that make sense?”

Albus’s mind was whirring at a million miles an hour. It explained a lot, he had to admit. Unable to speak, he simply nodded.

“Mum and Dad were always accepting…” Scorpius looked at Albus, his eyes pleading, begging him to understand. He was trying, really, he was. “When I was three they gave me this name. It was what they would’ve called me, had I been… Born right. No. That’s not it. I was born me. The body just… Never quite fit.”

“So…” Albus began, his tongue feeling its way carefully, apprehensively around the words, “You were born a girl?”

“No,” Scorpius said, so softly considering how wrong Albus had been. “I was born a boy. I have always been and always will be a boy, but that’s just… Not how I came out. How I was… Formed. Does that make more sense?”

“I guess...” Albus said; and it did, if he truly wrapped his mind around it. He couldn’t imagine how it must feel, and he felt his heart ache with the sadness of it all. He longed to reach out, to touch him, to let him know how he felt, to let him know how hard he was trying to understand but his hand stayed by his side, twitching with the effort of doing nothing at all.

They fell back into a comfortable silence. Albus tried not to watch too carefully, too eagerly, as Scorpius got to his feet with a sigh and quickly pulled his robes back on, before settling back into his previous position.

“What about you, then?” Scorpius asked. A smile flashed across his face, so fast Albus would have missed it had he not already been staring intently at him.

“What about me?” He blinked once, twice, wondering what there was about him that warranted questions.

“Surely you have some kind of secret to share. An eye for an eye, all that.” Scorpius leaned ever so slightly forward, chin perched atop his knee, his eyes alight with obvious curiosity.

Something deep within Albus longed to tell his deepest, darkest secret; that he was hopelessly in love with the very person sitting in front of him. Some part of him longed with the utmost desperation just to blurt out what he truly felt, which hadn’t changed at all in the past ten minutes. If anything that love had only deepened, intensified, at being privy to such a huge and secret part of Scorpius’ life.

“No.” He replied instead. “Nothing.”

“Oh, come on, you’re kidding, right?” Scorpius snorted and leaned back against the sink, his stormy grey eyes still piercing Albus’ gaze. “A guy like you doesn’t have any secrets?”

“What do you mean, a guy like me?” Albus asked, completely taken aback.

“Well...” Scorpius trailed off, his expression pensive. Albus still felt extremely weird, sitting in a bathroom talking to Scorpius Malfoy. It was more or less the longest conversation he had had with somebody other than Maria in his entire time at Hogwarts. “You’re… Different. I didn’t think I’d ever heard you talk until tonight. You’re the son of Harry Potter, but no one knows anything about you. You’re hardly mentioned in the Daily Prophet, compared to James and Lily. I guess I just want to know why. It sounds like it could be a secret.”

“It’s not,” Albus shrugged, cringing at the very mention of his siblings; a reminder of just how inadequate and imperfect he was. “I’m just… quiet. There’s no secret.”

“Yeah, but… There’s quiet, and then there’s _you_.” Scorpius leaned forwards again. “I don’t think I would have noticed you at all if if weren’t for the family name - and believe me, I know how much of a burden it can be. Why do you think my parents won’t let me tell anybody? They’re scared people will judge us, that they’ll be shunned all over again after trying so hard to build themselves and their precious reputations back up. So, I ask again. Do you have any secrets?”

“You’re nosy,” Albus replied, rolling his eyes. Scorpius glared, but the bubble of laughter that escaped his lips betrayed how he truly felt about Albus’ statement. “Yes. Of course I have secrets. I am still human.”

“That’s reassuring,” Scorpius interjected. This time it was Albus’ turn to fix him with a glare. “Well, you never know…”

“Whatever. I do have secrets, but… I can’t tell you.”

Scorpius pursed his lips as he rose to his feet, “Well, that’s just not fair.”

“Life’s not fair,” Albus said with a self-deprecating smile in Scorpius’ direction as the other boy headed towards the door, where he would have to somehow step over or around Albus.

“Hilarious,” He responded dryly. “Well. This was fun, but I’d better be off.”

“Stay away from the left wing of the third floor corridor,” Albus said in as nonchalant a tone as possible.

“Uh, why?” Scorpius asked.

“Peeves’ll be there. He always is this time on a Saturday night. He’s a pretty predictable poltergeist.”

“You really are full of surprises, aren’t you?” Scorpius mused. Inexplicably, he bent back down, facing Albus once again. Albus had to fight to keep the blush from rising on his cheeks, to keep his gaze steady against those grey eyes, like a twilight sky on a stormy summer day. “Why did I never realise?”

“No one ever bothered to find out.” Albus said simply.

“I think I’m going to have to make more of an effort in future,” Scorpius said with a smirk, his gaze still fixed intently on Albus, “You’re an enigma, Albus Potter, but I think I can figure you out. Goodnight.”

With that, he was gone, pushing past Albus and into the dark, empty corridor. Albus felt the door come to a stop against his back and sighed, wondering how the hell all of this had happened. His one goal for the year had been the same as every other year; to keep quiet and stay out of trouble, to be careful above all, but this year, it appeared that trouble had come looking for him in the form of Scorpius Malfoy. That he intrigued the other boy was incomprehensible, utterly unbelievable. Scorpius was so many things, whilst Albus was just… Albus. What was there about him to cause intrigue?

Realising his mind would simply be going around in circles for the rest of the night, he pushed himself to his feet, heading towards the mirror, where he watched his reflection for a few seconds, wondering what there could possibly be about him that could have interested the other boy. Then again, Albus had never laid his soul bare to anybody before, and he reasoned that something as huge and as meaningful as that would probably have quite an impact.

Frowning at the deep shadows under his eyes and his scruffy black hair, he turned and headed back to his dorm, wondering all the while what the future could possibly have in store for him concerning Scorpius Malfoy.

It was strange, how he could learn a secret so earth-shatteringly big about Scorpius, something that should probably have altered his entire perception and opinion of him, yet all he did was love him more. He hadn’t thought it even remotely possible, that he could open his heart up any more; perhaps it just went to show what a hopeless case he truly was.

In a way, he didn't really mind at all. He had talked to Scorpius Malfoy, and that was something he had spent over six years avoiding. Albus only wondered what, if anything, could come of it.


	2. Blackout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so sorry that this took so long to write!! with my other fic it sort of just kept getting pushed to the side, and i'm sorry. but here we are, chapter two! this chapter is named after the song 'blackout' by muse. i sincerely hope that you enjoy it, and i would love to hear your thoughts! :)

"this life's too good to last, and i'm too young to care"

Scorpius' POV:

Scorpius Malfoy didn't give a fuck about anybody or anything; or at least, that was the impression he liked to give to the world, preferably with his middle finger up in the air and a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

Deep down, however, it was a completely different story.

Deep, deep, down, in the darkest recesses of his mind, down where his thoughts liked to dwell far too often, he was scared. He was terrified. So much so that he sometimes thought it was a wonder that he hadn't yet gone batshit insane. Perhaps he already had. Perhaps he was just biding his time, waiting for something to push him right over the very edge, like he hadn't already been close to the precipice a couple of times.

He was terrified of so many things, and at times it could be so very, very tiring. He was scared that his parents would stop supporting him, that he would come home from Hogwarts at the end of the year and they would take back all of the promises that they had made to him over the years. He was scared that Albus Potter would spread his secret around the school, and everyone would know who he truly was and would no doubt detest him for it.

Thankfully, it didn't seem like that was likely to happen. It felt like a curse as much as it felt like a blessing.

Two whole weeks had passed since their peculiar late night rendezvous in the boys' bathroom, but Albus Potter had undeniably caught his attention, and now the other boy simply wouldn't leave his mind.

Scorpius had wanted nothing more than to track him down, to talk to him once more, to try and work him out, but Albus Potter was far too well-versed in the art of elusivity. At first, Scorpius had waited for him outside of the few lessons they shared, but the other boy always seemed able to slip past without him noticing. He had looked for Albus in the Great Hall at mealtimes but it was as if he simply didn't exist.

It was infuriating, and yet it only served to pique his curiosity.

After a little while, once Scorpius knew what to look for, he found that he was noticing Albus more and more frequently. He was always, without fail, the first to leave a classroom, and he ate his food so quickly that Scorpius was barely able to pin his location at the Slytherin table down before he was off again, weaving effortlessly into the throng of students entering the Hall.

That evening, Scorpius decided that enough was enough. He was going to follow Albus Potter, and he was going to try and figure him out once and for all. When he spotted that familiar mop of untamed black hair begin to head out of the Great Hall, he got to his feet, muttering a brief apology to his friends, who acknowledged him but didn't even look up from their meals. He shrugged; it wasn't like he needed them, anyway. For the most part, he had come to believe that they only hung out with him for purposes that were entirely superficial. If they came to know the real Scorpius Malfoy, he didn't doubt that they would hate him, perhaps even more than he hated himself.

Once out of the Hall, it didn't take him as long as he had expected to find Albus, who was half tucked into one of the alcoves dotted about the entrance, deep in conversation with some unknown person. That was unexpected; Scorpius reasoned that it was probably just one of his siblings or cousins, not that they appeared to pay him much mind either.

Steeling the sudden and unexpected nerves he felt, he strode towards them. Upon seeing that Albus was not in fact talking to a relative, but to a short, slight girl with dark hair who he vaguely recognised but couldn't place a name to, he came to a halt in shock, feeling almost - but not quite - jealous.

Scorpius allowed himself a few seconds just to observe the pair of them, wondering what or who exactly this girl was to Albus. He shook his head, taking the time to focus solely on Albus, instead. He couldn't deny that Albus was, in his own scruffy and unkempt way, rather beautiful. Perhaps if he cut his hair and showed his face to the world every once in a while, more people might appreciate that fact.

Upon seeing him, the girl let out a sudden squeak and disappeared from sight. Albus didn't seem surprised, frowning and leaning back against the wall with a weary sigh.

"Hey," Scorpius said, taking a step forward, into the light. "Is that your girlfriend?"

Albus turned to regard him with a shocked and wide-eyed expression, his cheeks inexplicably turning a deep scarlet. It was really rather endearing.

"I… No - She - I mean... Uh - No. No." He managed to get the words out in fits and starts as Scorpius watched him silently, curiously. "Um. I have to, uh - Go. Goodnight."

"Right," Scorpius said awkwardly, watching him fade into the shadows as he hurried off in the opposite direction of the dorms they had shared for the past six years. He raised his voice slightly, his tone as sarcastic as could be, "Nice talking to you!"

Rolling his eyes, Scorpius headed back into the Hall, where dessert was waiting for him, as well as what would hopefully prove a welcome distraction from his constant thoughts of Albus Potter. He felt a slight crushing sense of rejection at Albus' dismissal, but he really wasn't in the mood to think on it any further.

After the failed conversation, Scorpius came to the conclusion that he was actually rather desperate to talk to Albus. It didn't take him long to realise that he found himself inexplicably attracted to Albus; a few days spent furtively watching him out of the corner of his eye, infinitely fascinated by every move he made, every flick of his fringe or the blush that rose on his cheeks on the rare occasion that a teacher called on him. It all simply confirmed how Scorpius felt about him.

Most people at Hogwarts seemed to be under the impression that Scorpius was quite a womaniser, an assumption that he had done absolutely nothing to promote or prevent. It wasn't as if anybody at the school had ever even seen him with a girl, but rumours seemed to spread on a regular basis, and if he was honest, he quite liked the attention, even though he knew that nothing could come of it.

He had fallen for people in the past, both boys and girls; it had never seemed to matter much to him, but his parents had expressly forbidden him to date anybody in case they found out about the secret they ensured he kept hidden. Albus already knew the truth about him, and didn't seem to mind, so Scorpius figured he would be free to pursue his own interests for once in his life; it just so happened that Albus was his interest.

Whether Albus was interested or not, only time would tell, but a part of Scorpius was longing to find out.

From then on, it simply became a matter of cornering Albus whenever possible, which unfortunately was far less frequently than Scorpius would have liked. If Albus didn't want to be found, then he simply wasn't to be found. He must have been the first to leave the dorm in the morning, and the last to come in at night, because no matter how late Scorpius stayed up waiting for him to return, he would always inevitably fall asleep before such a time came.

Rather more fortunately, he had Lily Potter on his side. Their friendship was a strange and fickle thing; if it could even be called that. It could more accurately be described as 'they were once both in the Astronomy Tower when they shouldn't have been and decided to keep meeting up on a regular basis.'

Lily tended to stay away from the subject of family, which was perhaps part of the reason why Scorpius had failed to notice Albus until now, but he couldn't blame her in the slightest for it. She wasn't quite the perfect Hufflepuff golden girl that everyone expected her to be, but that was what Scorpius liked about her. She was free to be herself around him, to smoke and drink and gossip about all of the girls in her House that she secretly hated.

But, on one chilly evening in early November, as he and Lily watched the stars and shared a cigarette, he decided he simply couldn't keep quiet any longer.

"So..." He said, flicking ash over the side of the tower and into oblivion. "What's the deal with your brother?"

Lily sighed and failed to keep the irritation from her voice as she spoke, "James? Not much – he's been invited to tryouts on the England squad, which I guess is pretty interesting, if you're into all that vapid shit."

"No, not James," Scorpius clarified, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Oh," Lily's eyes widened. "Why do you want to know?"

"No reason," Scorpius shrugged nonchalantly, "Just that I've been sharing a room with him for over six years now and I still know absolutely nothing about the guy."

"That's the way he prefers it… I think. I never know what's going on in his head. James is so easy to read, he's like an open book with the pages desperately trying to spill out the words, but Albus… I don't know. He likes pancakes. He loves that Muggle baking show - he's never missed an episode. He's lonely, and that's the way he wants everyone to think he likes it, but I think he's a little broken inside, too. I guess that comes with being part of the Potter family."

She laughed drily and stared up at the stars, her expression unfathomable, her long red hair shining in the moonlight. Scorpius could see why she was so popular, how she had everybody eating out of her hand, but just like with him, it was a façade to keep the world out.

"Is there any way to get through to him?" Scorpius asked, his mind racing.

"Not any that I've ever found..." Lily paused, frowning. "Just... Be nice to him. Not enough people have been nice to him over the years. He might be suspicious at first, but if he can make friends with Maria Lambert, then he can probably make friends with anybody, given half a chance."

"So she's just his friend?" Scorpius let out a sigh of relief, feeling a slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Scorpius Malfoy!" Lily turned on him, flapping her arms wildly with what he could only assume was a sudden fit of madness. "Are you trying very hard not to tell me that you're interested in my brother? Because if so, busted."

The blush rising on Scorpius' cheeks was all the answer Lily needed. Damn his pale complexion!

"Can I just ask… How? Why?" She laughed to herself once more at the very absurdity of it all. He could understand why; he, Scorpius Malfoy, typical Slytherin bad boy, rebel, etc, and Albus Potter, the outcast son of a hero that nobody knew anything about. He could hardly believe it himself, but his reaction to Lily's question proved it.

"He accidentally stumbled across my biggest secret – and no, I'm not going to tell you – and he was so unbelievably kind and accepting of it that I guess I kind of… Couldn't help myself." Scorpius blushed once again, well aware of how ridiculous he really was.

"You're a strange one, Malfoy," Lily said, grinning wickedly. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. But you want to talk to him? I'll see what I can do."

With a wink and a hug so brief he may just have imagined it, she was gone. At this rate, the Potter family were going to be the death of him.

* * *

"Albus, hey!" A few weeks had passed, and Scorpius was at last beginning to feel that he was getting somewhere with Albus. It was as if he had at long last realised Scorpius' interest in him and was beginning to respond in more than just stuttered words and hasty goodbyes.

"Oh, uh, hey," Albus replied, waving one hand awkwardly in Scorpius' direction before snapping it back to his side and blushing a deep, endearing shade of red. They were in Greenhouse 9, and the rain was pounding on the glass roof like bullets, the sky dark and gloomy. Nobody was paying them the slightest bit of attention, least of all Professor Longbottom, so Scorpius decided to take his chance.

"So, how's it going?" Scorpius asked, grinning, as he grabbed a pot and absentmindedly began to remove the weeds from it, being mindful that they didn't sting him.

"How's what going?" Albus asked, his expression gloriously dumbfounded. "Uh. I mean. It's going alright. Can't fault life."

"Glad to hear it," Scorpius said, "I've got to say, I can't fault life either. Especially not right now."

"It's only Herbology, surely there's got to be -" Albus froze and looked up at Scorpius, blinking slowly. "Wait. You mean, like… Here? With me?"

"Here with you, yes."

"Why?"

"Because, as I believe I've said before, you intrigue me." Scorpius couldn't miss the way Albus ducked his head, his blush rising even more deeply. He wasn't sure if it was because Albus truly did hate any and all social interaction, or whether he felt the same way, but Scorpius quite enjoyed torturing him all the same.

"Why?" He repeated.

"Because," Scorpius said, leaning on the desk, "What isn't there to be intrigued about? You're a Potter, but no one knows anything about you. It's like you're trying to play every socially awkward character in every teen movie ever made."

"Maybe I watched too many teen movies as a kid," Albus said, shrugging vaguely. "Maybe it's none of your business."

"Ouch," Scorpius said, whistling appreciatively. "I think that's the most I've ever heard you say at once."

"Don't expect it again," Albus said, a small grin across his face.

"Wow, you're turning into a jock before my very eyes," Scorpius teased.

"Shut up," Albus replied, grimacing at him.

"You're telling me, Scorpius Malfoy, Prince of Slytherin, to shut up?" Scorpius asked, his face a mask of shock and horror.

"No one calls you that," Albus snickered. "Except your posse,"

"And what would you know about my posse?" Scorpius asked, genuinely intrigued to know what Albus thought of them. Personally, he could say a lot about his 'posse', none of which he thought they would like to hear, but they were mostly the children of his parents' friends, and he had always felt obliged to hang out with them, and now here he was, seventeen years old and with no real, true friends.

"There are perks to nobody noticing you," Albus smirked, but didn't clarify.

At that moment, Professor Longbottom seemed to realise that nobody was paying the slightest bit of attention to the work, and gave them all a good telling off.

"It was nice talking to you, Albus," Scorpius said at the end of the lesson, once he had made certain to scrub all of the dirt off his face.

"You too," Albus said quietly, blushing yet again. Next to him, Maria was glaring up at Scorpius and tapping her foot impatiently. "I just hope I don't intrigue too many other people, if it means turning into a jock."

"I hope so too," Scorpius mused, winking at Albus before his friends pulled him out into the torrential downpour and their own meaningless gossip and drivel. Glancing back, Scorpius waved a quick goodbye, all too aware of the way his heart sped up when Albus waved awkwardly back as Maria jogged after him, frowning.

He had never fallen for someone so fast before, and he couldn't help but wonder where it would lead, if it led anywhere at all.

* * *

A few days later, and Scorpius found himself lounging around in a secluded area on the top floor of the castle with his so-called 'posse'. He wasn't sure why he had agreed to come, but they had accosted him during dinner and insisted that there would be alcohol so, reluctantly, he had followed after them.

He couldn't deny that his friends had managed to find a pretty decent spot, partially hidden behind a staircase and filled with beanbags and fairy lights that they had somehow managed to acquire. He didn't ask how, and he didn't ask about the firewhisky, either, as he lounged back on the beanbags and drank himself into what would hopefully be oblivion.

Their mindless gossip washed over him unheard, as did the music and the giggling. Somehow he had become too wrapped up in his own thoughts, of Albus and secrets buried deep within and all those crazy unfathomable parts of his life that would probably make no sense to anybody but himself.

"So, Scorpius," Molly began, taking a large swig of alcohol before passing the bottle onto the next person, her blue eyes shining. "I can't help but notice you've been talking to Albus Potter an awful lot lately."

"Who?" He asked, grinning to himself.

"Shut up, Scor, you know who I mean," she giggled, aiming a beanbag at his head, which missed by a great margin and managed to knock Goyle onto the floor, where he grunted with annoyance but made no effort to move.

"We're just partners in Herbology," he shrugged, not wanting to get into it. If he was really as drunk as he already felt, he would probably end up spilling all of his secrets, and Merlin knew that was the last thing he wanted. He just had to repress his feelings, and lie, and lie some more if he had to.

"Oh, come on," Rowan snorted from the other side of Scorpius. "We all know Longbottom doesn't give a flying fuck about who's partners in Herbology."

"You don't even take Herbology anymore," Molly pointed out.

"Yeah, well, not all of us can get Es." Rowan said, sticking her tongue out.

"Or even Ds, apparently," Molly shrieked as Rowan hexed her, causing her long blonde hair to turn a disgusting shade of green. "Rowan! Turn it back!"

Rolling his eyes, Scorpius relaxed back into his beanbag and tried not to think too hard about the thoughts racing at a million miles per hour through his brain.

"He's a bit weird, isn't he?" Molly asked, once her hair had returned to normal and she had stopped yelling at the top of her lungs. Her shouting didn't bother Scorpius too much, but he didn't particularly want to get caught drinking after curfew. He would be in trouble for sure.

"Does he ever talk?" Rowan pondered, poking Goyle, who had managed to fall asleep on the floor. "Well, Scorpius, since you're so close to him, does he ever talk?"

"Ugh, I'm not close to that anti-social weirdo," he said, almost by instinct. If he said anything resembling how he truly felt, he'd be mocked for weeks, just as Goyle was when he'd revealed that he quite liked listening to Muggle country music.

"Yeah, but you've at least talked to him. What's he like?" Molly asked, leaning into him with a curious expression, her cheeks bright pink from the warmth and the alcohol and the proximity. They had gone out sometime the previous year, only briefly, but somehow Scorpius' parents had found out and expressly forbidden them from being anything but friends. It had felt unfair at the time, a complete discrimination of his human rights or whatever, but he didn't mind so much now.

"He's… Well, he's exactly what you think he'd be like. He can barely string two sentences together, it's like he's never spoken to another person in his life," Scorpius grimaced and took another long gulp of his drink. The words felt sour on his tongue as his friends laughed, but it wasn't like they mattered. It wasn't like any of this mattered, not really.

"Sounds like a bit of a creep if you ask me," Rowan said, shuddering. "Don't you have to share a room with him?"

"Yeah… I mean, it's not too bad. He's hardly ever there. And if I ever go in, he always leaves immediately."

"Weird."

"Definitely weird." Molly nodded.

"He's probably a serial killer."

"Or he's just a lonely, misunderstood guy," Goyle said, in a surprising show of empathy.

"No one's that lonely," Molly replied. "Or that misunderstood."

"I don't get it, though," Scorpius said, sitting up and trying to ignore the way his head spun dangerously. "He's a Potter, but you'd never guess. Like, sometimes I wonder why he hasn't been, like, disowned or something, you know?"

"Definitely," Molly nodded again. "He's, like, the dark horse of the family."

"Molly, you mean black sheep." Rowan pointed out, snorting with laughter.

"Whatever," Molly pouted. "You know, Scor, for your own safety and wellbeing, you should probably just stay away from him."

"You know what? You're right," Scorpius closed his eyes, smiling at the colours that danced behind his eyelids. "I don't know why I ever bothered talking to him in the first place, why I ever made an effort. He's obviously never going to reciprocate."

"You're just too kind for your own good," Molly said soothingly, patting him on the shoulder, just as a loud crash erupted through the room, sending the four Slytherin students into a panic as they imagined the disappointed faces of the teachers and, even worse, the faces of their parents when they found out what had happened.

Then a figure stepped out of the shadows, and Scorpius' breath caught in his throat from the sheer mix of horror and revulsion that he felt for himself when he saw that it was Albus.

He simply stared at Scorpius for a few seconds, his expression completely crestfallen, as if all of the light that Scorpius had seen growing ever brighter inside of him these past few weeks had just been completely extinguished, before turning on his heel and disappearing before Scorpius could really register what had happened.

"Serves him right!" Molly said, unable to control her laughter as she leaned on Rowan, who had tears streaming down her face from laughing too hard. Even Goyle looked faintly amused, though it was hard to tell.

"I'm going to bed," Scorpius said, clambering to his feet and trying to shake his head clear. The room swayed as he stepped over beanbags and made his way down the corridor, but he couldn't shake away the guilt, or the fact that he truly was just a horrible, terrible person.

Merlin, he was the worst person in the entire world, but he also resolved to do something about it. He had gotten through to Albus once before, and he could do it again. Right?

 


	3. Landfill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello and welcome back! thankfully this chapter took a lot less time to write than the last (which definitely isn't because i'm suffering extreme writer's block with everything else at the moment haha, definitely not...) 
> 
> anyway, today's chapter is named after the song 'landfill' by daughter, and i hope very much indeed that you all enjoy it!! hopefully the next chapter (the last chapter! :o) should be out just as swiftly.

"this is dangerous, 'cause i want you so much, but i hate your guts, i hate you"

Albus' POV:

Stupid. He was stupid, so, so stupid.

To think he had ever possibly had a chance with Scorpius Malfoy.

He was the biggest fool in the whole damn world, the most gullible, ignorant, idiotic fool to ever have existed.

"Albus, wait!" A familiar voice called, cutting sharply through the whirling maelstrom of his thoughts. Wrapping his cloak around himself, Albus picked up his pace, not even daring to glance back because he knew that he'd be weak, he knew that he'd give in, so he kept walking even as the sound of footsteps echoed along the corridor behind him.

"Albus, please!" Scorpius' voice seemed frantic, desperate, as he tried to grasp at Albus' hand, but he just shook the other boy off, storming away, keeping his head held low and struggling to maintain the quick pace. Scorpius tried once more to get him to turn around, so Albus abided, feeling tears stinging at the corners of his eyes as he did so.

"What?" He demanded as Scorpius was forced to come to a sudden halt in front of him, his feet skidding slightly on the stone floor. The other boy was wringing his hands at his side, his hair a mess, as he watched Albus.

"Look, I'm sorry, alright, you weren't supposed to hear any of that," Scorpius said, wincing as he spoke.

Albus just glared, unable to find the right words that would sum up exactly how he felt. He was angry, incredibly so, and more than anything he felt used. He had thought that he and Scorpius might have had something special, had even begun to consider him a friend, something which he had never even considered as a remote possibility for the past seven years. He wasn't sure why he had expected anything to change, really. He was Albus Potter, after all.

"Albus? Are you even listening to me? I'm sorry!" Scorpius' tone was pleading, but Albus wasn't at all convinced.

Nobody would say such terrible things if they didn't mean it, but the fact that he had heard it all before wasn't even part of it. It was that it had been  _Scorpius_  to say those things; Scorpius, who found him so intriguing, Scorpius, who had hounded him at every opportunity for a conversation even when Albus had tried so hard not to sound interested. Now he knew what it had all been for; so that he could show off to his stupid friends who had all played their own small part in Albus' own misery for the past few years. He shouldn't have been surprised that Scorpius shared their opinion.

"I don't want to hear your excuses," Albus whispered, trying to stop his voice from shaking as he clamped down the emotions he felt, though the sense of nausea in his stomach was still overwhelming.

"This isn't an excuse," Scorpius insisted, taking a step forward. "Albus, please, I feel terrible, I -"

" _You_  feel terrible?" Albus accused, feeling his voice rise. "How the fuck do you think I feel?"

Scorpius cringed at that, his shoulders slumping, "I know, I'm sorry."

"I don't need your apologies," Albus stated simply, turning to leave, but Scorpius grabbed at his sleeve again. Not fully aware of exactly what he was doing, Albus found himself with his wand pointed at Scorpius' face, the other boy backed against the wall, eyes wide.

"Leave me alone!" Albus shouted, his voice echoing down the corridor, waking several of the portraits who began to mutter amongst themselves about the unruliness of the modern generation. Albus paid them no mind as his wand trembled in his grip, his mind frantically trying to recall what simple hexes and jinxes they had learned in Defence against the Dark Arts, but it had been so long since he had studied it that he lost his nerve altogether, his hand dropping down to his side.

"Just leave me alone, okay, Scorpius?" Albus said, forcing himself not to murmur or stumble over his words as he normally did.

"But -"

"I don't want to hear it," Albus stated, crossing his arms as Scorpius leaned against the wall with a sigh. "I just… I don't know. I thought we had the potential to become friends or… Something. But you're just like the rest of them. I don't know why I ever thought you could be any different."

"I am different!" Scorpius insisted, "I swear, I'm not like them, I just -"

"I don't want to hear it." Albus repeated, his lips pursed, before turning on his heel and turning away again, hoping to use the secret passageway to get back to the Slytherin dorm before Scorpius could follow him all the way back and accost him yet again.

"Wait!" Scorpius called, and though he desperately didn't want to, he could hear the desperation in the other boy's voice, and so something in him made him turn, just to see what could possibly warrant such a tone of voice. Scorpius jogged up to him, biting his lip.

"I promise, I won't bother you again after this. I just… I need you to promise me that you won't tell anyone." Scorpius ran his hand through his hair, messing it up even more so that he looked as if he had been hit with a stunner.

"Tell anyone what?" Albus asked, raising an eyebrow.

"About..." Inexplicably, Scorpius blushed, and stammered out his next words. "About me, being… You know."

"Oh." Comprehension dawned at last. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't know, payback?"

Albus just shrugged, "The thought didn't even cross my mind. I guess that makes one of us around here a decent person."

With that, he took off, refusing to even so much as glance back to see the scene that he had left behind. He wanted nothing more than to sleep and to ponder his situation, the shitshow that was and continued to be his life.

Needless to say, he didn't sleep very well that night, and when he did, his dreams were plagued with nightmarish scenes of arguments and loss and hatred.

* * *

"I told you so." Maria whispered to him a week or so later, as they stood together in Herbology in what had been blissful silence.

"What?" Albus asked, only really half listening as he tried to focus on his plant and avoid glancing in Scorpius' direction at all costs.

"I told you Malfoy was bad news," she reiterated, and Albus froze, glancing down at her as she smiled unassumingly up at him, her fringe covering her eyes as always. Albus was never quite sure how aware Maria was of the real world, as she preferred to keep her head in a book at all times, but quite clearly she was more observant than Albus gave her credit for.

Albus rolled his eyes. "As if I didn't already know that."

She pushed her glasses up her nose. "Well, now you know for sure."

"How do you know for sure?" Albus asked, as Scorpius happened to glance their way and he was forced to quickly busy himself with the work, feeling heat spread across his cheeks and cursing himself internally for daring to still feel what he had always felt for the other boy, that peculiar mixture of love and loathing, though the loathing had certainly increased exponentially in the last week.

"I'm not blind, you know," Maria hissed. "I noticed you two talking sometimes. And now you've stopped talking, and he keeps looking at you."

"No he doesn't," Albus scoffed, only to look up and discover that Scorpius was indeed still watching him, a frown on his face as his friends fooled around by his side, flinging soil at each other and giggling incessantly. Scorpius didn't seem very amused, but that meant nothing; he had a reputation to uphold, after all, one that didn't allow for silliness or deigning to speak to social rejects like Albus himself.

"And besides," Maria continued, grinning almost smugly, an expression that was extremely unusual on her, "he keeps trying to talk to me, I can tell."

"What, really?" Albus frowned. "Well, I wish him good luck on that."

Maria jabbed him in the side with one of her elbows, which hurt far more than Albus let on. "If you don't want to speak to him, then I certainly don't."

"And… If I do?" Albus ventured, though really that was the very last thing on his mind. In the past week, he had readjusted easily to being the typical Slytherin outcast with only one friend, and he was managing to keep out of everybody's way, which he was eternally thankful for.

"Then I still won't talk to him," she said simply. "I'm far too busy."

"You mean you haven't read every book in the library yet?" He asked, grinning slightly as she stomped on his foot. Being friends with Maria had its definite advantages, such as help with essays and somebody with whom he could discuss anything and everything bordering on the intellectual, but she was far too fond of physical violence for Albus' liking.

"Come on, Longbottom's coming back, and if he singles me out again I'll probably cry," Maria muttered, heaping soil back into her pot as the professor himself strolled by, nodding approvingly at their work.

"Now, wouldn't that be a sight..." Albus said, sighing with a fake wistfulness as Maria glared at him, her half-hidden expression speaking of untold pain in his future.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Scorpius seemed determined to talk to Albus, but he didn't want to hear what the other boy had to say. Things had more or less returned to the way they had been before Albus had found Scorpius in the bathroom on that fateful evening, and that was the way things had always been. He just wished it didn't feel so weird to adjust to.

It was as if he had been living without proper oxygen his entire life, just breathing here and there when he had to, but he had had, for that brief period, a full supply of oxygen and it had just been cut off. It was the way things had always been, but now that he had a taste of something better, he never wanted things to go back to the way they were before.

He still loved Scorpius, and a part of him knew that he always would, no matter how much he detested him with every fibre of his being. Each little bit of jealousy when he saw Scorpius talking easily with his friends, each little bit of anger he felt when Scorpius tried to talk to him or apologise; eventually it all added up until at some point the hatred began to outweigh the love, and that was better, because at least then he wasn't constantly staring surreptitiously at Scorpius, wondering what could be; he knew what could be, had had a taste of it, and it had been nothing but bitter in the end.

Somewhat surprisingly, as Albus strolled around the castle on one of his many late night jaunts around the castle, he was joined by his sister, who was waiting for him outside the Hufflepuff common room, filing her nails. When he saw her, he froze, and turned quickly in the other direction, but she sprinted after him and was next to him within seconds, smiling up at him with those innocent eyes of hers.

"What do you want, Lily?" He asked, as she practically skipped alongside him.

"I just want to talk," she said, smiling a dazzlingly bright smile that seemed to work on everyone except Albus.

Albus glanced at her suspiciously; since when did Lily ever just want to talk? They had been avoiding each other since they were children and their parents realised that when in the same room, Lily would just take all the toys and leave Albus without, not that he remembered ever minding that much, since his imagination was always enough, but whatever Albus had had, Lily always wanted, too. But that was years ago, and perhaps they had both changed for the better.

"About…?" Albus frowned as she pulled him into an alcove and stood in front of him, arms crossed and lips pursed like she was his professor and he'd just been given a detention.

"I'm worried about you," she stated simply.

"Everyone's always worried about me," Albus shrugged. "You'll have to be a little more specific."

"It's about Scorpius Malfoy," she said, watching his face carefully for any reaction, but he was trying his very hardest to keep his face composed. In a way, he had kind of been expecting this; no doubt Lily knew everything that happened within the school the minute it happened, thanks to her wide circle of friends and informants.

"What about Scorpius Malfoy?" Albus asked nonchalantly, scoffing to prove just how little he cared.

"Oh, please," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "I know."

"You know what?" Albus asked, feeling a sliver of fear shoot through his gut.

"That you like him." Lily stated simply, as if she were merely informing him of something as casual as the day's weather. Albus couldn't speak, couldn't make his tongue form the words to prove that what Lily had just said was absolutely preposterous. Because she was right, and if she knew, then it was probably only a matter of time before the entire bloody school knew, and that would be terrible, he would have to go through seven months of torture as the whole school laughed at him and mocked him about his most deeply hidden secret. He couldn't breathe, and his heart was pounding away in his chest.

"Calm down," she said, gently touching his shoulder as he tried not to flinch away from the sudden and overwhelming contact. "Breathe steadily. No one else knows, I promise."

"How can you be sure?" Albus asked, his voice pleading, desperate. No one else could know, not a soul. And especially not Scorpius - if his friends found out, he would never hear the end of it, he would be teased even more mercilessly than he ever had. Only the fact that he only had seven or so months left at the school calmed his thoughts slightly. If he had made it this far, then he could struggle through to the end. He had no other choice, really.

"Because," Lily said brightly, "I'm your sister, and you may not think that means much, but I  _know_  you."

"No you don't," Albus protested. "No one knows me. No one cares enough to know me."

"Oh, Al," Lily smiled sadly up at him, her eyes gleaming with something Albus couldn't possibly discern. "I care. I know I've never been great at showing it, but I do. And so does James, even if he is an asshole and doesn't care who knows it. He cares, about you. In his last letter he even asked me how you were doing."

"He could've sent me a letter himself," Albus grumbled.

"Would you have replied?" Lily asked, tapping her foot on the ground. When Albus failed to respond, she nodded to herself with a grim satisfaction.

"Just believe me, Al, please," she said, crossing her arms across her chest. "I feel terrible for basically ignoring you these last few years in favour of my own popularity or whatever. But it isn't all it's cracked up to be, and, well… I guess I miss you. We did have good times before we came here, remember?"

Albus couldn't help but crack a slight smile at that. "Dirigible plums..."

"Shut up!" Lily shrieked with laughter, whacking him on the shoulder.

"Dad had to try and get you down from the roof of the house but you just kept jumping higher," Albus chuckled as Lily blushed and tears of laughter began to fall down her cheeks.

"Why can't we go back to those days?" Lily asked, once she had recovered, wiping at her cheek with her sleeves.

"Things are just… Different now. I'm in Slytherin," Albus shrugged. "I just feel like no one thinks of me in the same way anymore, like I'm not still the same person I was before I got Sorted, you know?"

"Believe me, I know," Lily nodded. "I might not be in Slytherin, but people seem to think that Hufflepuff is almost as bad."

"How can you say that? You're the most popular girl in school..." Albus frowned, trying and failing to understand where Lily was coming from.

"Yeah, and I fucking hate it, to be honest." Lily admitted, grimacing. "It just feels like everyone only likes me or tolerates me because I'm Lily Potter, it's not like anyone knows who I really am… Although… I have struck up a kind of friendship with a certain Slytherin of yours."

It was Albus' turn to blush now. "He's not  _my_  Slytherin. And… Since when have you been friends with him? Why? How?"

"So many questions all of a sudden," Lily observed, smirking. "Interesting."

"Shut up." Albus muttered, glowering at his younger sister as she smiled nonchalantly at him.

"Look, Albus, it's going to be alright, believe me."

"How? He hates me." Albus rolled his eyes, wondering when exactly Lily would decide she had had her fun and leave him alone.

"I'm not so sure of that," Lily said, looking pensive. "The things he's said to me would suggest otherwise."

"Then why did he say such horrible things about me to his friends?" Albus asked, feeling tears prickle in the corners of his eyes at the very memory of that evening. He had tried everything possible to repress it, even going so far as to consider casting a memory charm on himself, but the implications of such a spell if it went wrong were simply too disastrous, even for him.

"Because he has a reputation to uphold," Lily said, as if such a fact were clear as day. "And he's a teenage boy, and teenage boys are idiots who'll do anything to impress their friends."

"So, you're saying..."

"That you should hear him out."

"No. I can't." Albus shook his head. "Even if he didn't mean it, what he said was horrible. It was all things I'd heard a million times before, but never from him. Never like that."

"Please, Albus, for me..." Lily's tone was pleading. "I just think that next time he corners you, you shouldn't run away. You should listen to what he has to say. You might be surprised."

"I doubt that," Albus muttered bitterly, but a part of him was inclined to believe that what Lily was saying was true, that Scorpius didn't hate him or think those things about him, that he just wrongly thought he had a reputation to uphold. Perhaps if Albus could talk to him, then he could make Scorpius understand the errors of his ways. And even if Lily was wrong, even if Scorpius truly did despise him, well – at least he had tried, which was further than he had ever been willing to go before.

"I see you've made your mind up," Lily said with a nod. "I'm glad I could help."

"Uh… Thanks. I think."

Lily winked at him, "Best of luck with Scorpius. Something tells me you'll find him up at the top of the Astronomy Tower. And remember, bro, don't be a stranger."

With that, she was gone, her cloak fluttering behind her as she disappeared around the corner and into the Hufflepuff common room. Albus allowed himself a few moments to gather his thoughts, to wonder if he was making the right decision, before he realised that he didn't currently trust the rational, decision-making part of himself all that well and headed towards the Astronomy Tower at a brisk pace.

He took a long and rather convoluted route, but it ensured that he didn't bump into any teachers or prefects, and before he knew what was happening or had had time to process his thoughts or the words he was going to say, he was at the top of the staircase, trying gradually to steady his breathing.

Steeling his nerves and deciding to be brave for once in his life, he pulled open the door, and stepped onto the balcony. Scorpius was there, but he must have been lost in his thoughts for he didn't so much as glance in Albus' direction, even as the door shut itself behind him with a soft thud.

He truly was beautiful as the moonlight illuminated his hair and lit his face up, revealing all of its planes and angles. He was staring out with half-closed eyes into the night sky, his hand on his chin and an expression on his face that suggested his thoughts were a million miles away. This was the Scorpius that Albus had fallen in love with all those years ago, and he just hoped that this was the Scorpius who would stay with him tonight.

"I hate you, you know," Albus said softly, taking a step towards him. Scorpius started at the words, as if he had at last come crashing down to earth. He turned to face Albus, his eyes wide but revealing nothing, as if he were a closed book that Albus hadn't yet managed to open.

"That doesn't surprise me," Scorpius said simply, a look of possible guilt flashing across his face for the briefest of seconds before he schooled his expression back into one of neutrality, similar to the one he seemed to keep up at all times with his friends.

"I hate your guts, more than I ever thought it was possible to hate anybody," Albus didn't know where he was going with this, or why exactly he was saying these words, but he desperately wanted Scorpius to know just how much he had hurt him. "And I wish more than anything in the world that you would just leave me alone."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Scorpius said, taking an almost cautious step forward. Albus took one backwards in response, feeling the wooden door at his back.

"Why?" Albus asked, feeling his face contort with confusion.

"Because – and hear me out -" Scorpius held his arms out in front of him, almost like a surrender, a promise of peace. "I know I made a mistake. It was utterly terrible and inexcusable of me. I just… I'm scared, deep down, of rejection, and much as I loathe it, those people are the only friends I've ever had, and I'm afraid of disappointing them."

"I never asked to become a target!" Albus said, more sharply than he intended. Scorpius winced slightly, but took yet another step forward nonetheless. Having nowhere else to go, Albus allowed him to.

"I know, Albus, and I'm so sorry that it came to that." Scorpius turned his gaze towards the floor and stared intently at his feet, as if he were unable to look Albus in the eyes a moment longer. "I never wanted to hurt you. I know I said you intrigue me, but I think it goes deeper than that. I care about you. I want to be your friend."

"Then be yourself," Albus said insistently. "Don't let yourself be brought down by them. They don't know who you really are, do they?"

"I can't tell them," Scorpius replied, his voice raw, the topic of conversation clearly too close for comfort. Part of Albus wanted to keep digging, another part just wanted to give in and comfort him, but he had been through too much in his life to let that happen a moment longer. If he was going to learn to trust Scorpius, perhaps even to be his friend again, then he had to know.

"Why not? Why are you so afraid of letting them in?"

"It's not me, or them… It's my parents." Scorpius sighed, his shoulders slumped, as though he had given up all pretences of being even a little alright. "It's the centuries worth of tradition and the old Pureblood ideology and the idea that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. I don't know if they would accept me anymore."

"Do you really need, or even deserve, these people in your life if they won't take you for who you really are?" Albus probed, shaking his head. It wasn't as if he himself had the best support group around him, but he at least knew that his parents and his siblings would love him no matter what, even if they weren't always the best at expressing it. Lily had at least convinced him of that much this evening.

Scorpius shook his head, laughing a dry laugh that was utterly devoid of all humour, "You're right, you know?"

"Uh… I am?" Albus asked uncertainly. Had he not just completely crossed the line of what was and wasn't deemed acceptable?

"Yes!" Scorpius shook his head once more, meeting eyes with Albus once more. "Don't you even understand how incredible you are?"

Albus froze, taken aback by his words. Dismissively, he said, "Me? Incredible… No. You're wrong."

"Albus, I can't help but wonder how it is that you manage to be so oblivious and yet so completely wonderful." Scorpius was standing up straight now, a slight grin across his face as he took another step towards Albus. They were so close now that Albus could see each individual blonde eyelash on his face, could count the freckles sprinkled across his cheeks and nose if he really wanted to. Instead he blushed, glancing to the side, suddenly aware that the balcony was far too warm, despite it being winter.

"You've intrigued me ever since that night..." Scorpius trailed off, frowning. "No. That's not right. I think you've intrigued me for some time, now. I just didn't quite realise it. I just wish I had seen you for who you really are so much sooner, but you've always been far too adept at blending in to the shadows."

"I always felt it was a necessity," Albus found himself shrugging awkwardly, anything to distract himself from the butterflies running rampant in his stomach and the thoughts which were racing around his head. 'But… You don't know me. Nobody does."

"I know your favourite TV show is the Great British Bake Off," Scorpius said, his lips quirking up in a smile.

"How the hell did you – Lily?" Albus scoffed as Scorpius nodded, grinning broadly now.

"All of that's beside the point, however," Scorpius said, taking another step, "Albus, I really like you."

"Uh, well, right back at you, I guess," Albus mumbled. "If you stop being such an ass."

Scorpius laughed, shaking his head, his voice suddenly shaky and uncertain as he continued, "No, Albus, I – I  _like_  you. More than I ever thought I could like anybody. I think you're fascinating, I want to spend my every waking moment with you. I want to understand every part of you, I want to know what it is that makes you who you are, I… I want you. I want you so much."

Albus' heart leapt up into his throat as he considered Scorpius' words. He tried to speak, but his mouth couldn't form the right words, the words that could accurately describe how he felt right then, in that small moment. Albus stared with a dumbfounded expression into Scorpius' familiar grey eyes, hoping that if his lips couldn't express what he wanted to say, perhaps his eyes could.

"Albus?" Scorpius asked, taking a last step forward and closing the gap between them. Their lips were mere inches apart, and Albus was suddenly far too aware of that fact. It felt like he had been living his life in shades of grey, and he could see colour for the very first time. Suddenly the world was vibrant and bursting with life, but a part of him still seemed convinced that none of this was real, that the illusion would fade with time.

"I'm sorry," Albus whispered. "I just -"

"It's okay," Scorpius said, gently taking his hand in his, his grey eyes roiling like storm clouds in the middle of a hurricane, his breath tickling Albus' cheek. "Just answer me this. Do you feel the same way I do?"

"Yes," Albus replied without a second's hesitation, before the rational part of him could kick in and tell him to shut up, and stop him from having any happiness as it always did. He wanted this, Merlin be damned, he had wanted this for so very long, so many years of longing and wanting and loathing, and maybe at last he had a chance for happiness.

Scorpius leaned in, slowly, and as their lips met, every little bit of fear or doubt that Albus had ever felt dissolved away into nothing. Albus had no expectations, had never even dreamed or imagined that one day Scorpius would be kissing him, or that Scorpius would have him pressed against the door, and that he could  _feel_  so many things all at once.

An eternity might have passed in which they had been kissing and Albus wouldn't have minded. He doubted he would even have noticed. He could no longer tell where he ended and Scorpius began as their lips moved together.

Too soon, Scorpius pulled away, breathing heavily. Albus opened his eyes, having not even realised that they had been closed, and everything came rushing back to him with a startling clarity.

Scorpius Malfoy had just kissed him. The boy he had more or less been in love with for years now had just kissed him. The boy he had spent the last few weeks loathing had just kissed him, and somehow that fact just would not settle in his brain.

This couldn't be real.

There wasn't a chance in hell that Scorpius would ever just kiss him because he felt the same way about him; the probability of what had just happened was so low that Albus simply refused to believe there wasn't some kind of ulterior motive behind it.

He was unloveable. He had always believed himself so, and for a moment then he had been able to forget that, had been able to believe that he was deserving of love, that he was allowed to let go and be happy for once in his life. 

But, of course, it couldn't last. Suddenly reality came crashing back in.

Shaking his head in disbelief, he pushed Scorpius away from him, fumbling for the doorknob in a desperate attempt to escape. The balcony suddenly felt too small, too closed in and claustrophobic, despite the fresh winter air rushing in.

"Albus?" Scorpius asked, confusion painted across his face as plain as day as he stood a few feet away, brushing himself off. Albus hadn't intended to push him quite so hard; it had been more an outpouring of the frustration and desperation that he felt, and it only made him hate himself that little bit more.

"How am I supposed to know that this is real?" Albus demanded. "You tricked me last time, and I'm inclined to think you'll trick me again. Why would this be any different?"

Scorpius opened his mouth, but no words came out. That was all the answer Albus needed.

"I see how it is." Albus said curtly, trying to keep his voice composed.

"Albus, wait -" Scorpius said, his tone pleading. But Albus had had enough of Scorpius, of being hurt time and time again by people who weren't even aware that they were hurting him. He was sick and he was tired of being taken advantage of time and time again. The fact that Scorpius had enabled him to forget about all of that even for a brief moment meant nothing. Nothing at all.

He turned and yanked open the door and slammed it forcefully behind him, just as the tears began to flow. He broke into a run and didn't stop until he reached the bathroom where everything had begun to change for what he was now certain was the worst, where he cried until his eyes were red and raw and he had managed to convince himself that someday, somehow, he would be able to overcome this, because he always had before. Something about this time felt different, but he refused to dwell on that a moment longer.


	4. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my gosh it's been such a long time hasn't it?? i'm so so sorry!! this chapter was about 80% finished and then my life kind of... imploded around me and my resulting terrible mental health kind of made me lose the will and motivation to write for... six months. :s
> 
> but i'm back, and (hopefully) better than ever, and it's the FINAL chapter of it's a war!!! i really truly adore this piece, and i hope you guys feel the same way, so please let me know what you thought, i would love to hear your feedback.

“I want the world to believe that there’s a light inside of me, but it’s time that i come clean; i am not what i seem”

 

Scorpius' POV:

 

Scorpius spent a long time after Albus left staring at the empty doorway, unable to comprehend what had just happened. It was all over so quickly that Scorpius still hadn’t managed to grasp the fact that Albus felt the same way he did – that he had kissed him! - and now he was gone.

In a way, it felt like what he had deserved. He hadn’t expected one kiss to reverse all of the pain and suffering that he had caused Albus, but some small part of him had desperately clung onto the hope that it would make everything better. It had been a foolish hope, and he knew that now, something out of a teen movie that he and Albus might have talked about if Scorpius had not been so desperate to prove himself in front of the people he wasn’t even certain he wanted to call his friends.

And then it struck him.

He knew exactly what he would have to do to regain Albus’ trust, and it would be painful – hell, it would be the most difficult thing he probably ever did – but if he did it, he would have Albus back for certain, and everything else in the world paled in comparison to that.

Sighing and knowing that it was a disgusting habit, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it with a whispered spell before sauntering back over to the balcony to look up at the stars, to wonder what they had in store for him, wondering who or what entity had decided to inflict so much suffering on him upon his birth. He couldn’t help but envy his friends for the easy, stress-free lives they lead, never feeling that they had to hide such a massive part of their identity.

Feeling a sudden disgust for himself and his entire life, Scorpius threw the half-smoked cigarette over the balcony, shortly before it was joined by the entire packet. If he was going to try to be true to himself and those around him, he had to start somewhere, and his desperation to uphold that bad-boy image that had plagued his school years seemed a fairly decent start.

Tomorrow, he promised himself. Tomorrow he would start anew. Tomorrow he would break every single one of the many promises he had made to his parents over the years, and somehow the thought of that didn’t fill him with dread as it once had. More than anything his parents had stopped him from being himself; sure, they were accepting of his gender and identity, as long as they were the only ones to know of it. They had always held the opinions of others in too high a regard, and that had no doubt rubbed off on him, but no more.

He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep following their absurd rules or keep himself a secret. In a way it felt rather absurd that his parents expected him to hide this aspect of his being for the rest of his life. Was he just expected never to marry or be in a relationship for the rest of his life? How could he be expected to just go along with that?

His mind made up, he headed back to the Slytherin common room as it slowly dawned on him just how much his life was going to change within the next twenty-four hours. He might be about to lose the only friends he had ever really had in favour of some boy who had managed to have such a great impact on his life in such a short space of time. He might even be about to lose both, but he tried not to think too much on that.

Before that fateful night where Albus had found him in the bathroom, he had been almost on the verge of giving up entirely. Trying to hide that part of himself became more and more of a challenge with each passing day, and he had been exhausted at the lack of validation that had come with nobody knowing him for who he really was, with no one understanding that this was a fundamental part of him and it couldn’t simply be hidden away in order to uphold a reputation that was built on shaky foundations at best.

But Albus had changed all of that, in his own small way. He hadn’t understood at first, and that was in itself understandable, but he had tried so very, very hard to understand, and that small gesture in itself made up for all those years of hiding and shame. The kindness he had seen in those emerald eyes and the shy, unassuming way he had asked those questions had been more than he had ever gotten from his parents. From them it had felt more a forced acceptance than anything.

When he reached the Slytherin Seventh Year dorm, Albus was nowhere to be seen, his bed apparently undisturbed, but Scorpius had been expecting that. For now all he could do was try to sleep, and force himself not to dwell too much on thoughts of what tomorrow might bring.

 

* * *

 

“Guys, there’s something I have to tell you.”

It was late evening, and the Slytherin Seventh Years were once more to be found in their secluded corner of the castle, the floor laden with blankets and beanbags, the walls bedecked with fairy lights, and tables brimming with alcohol. Scorpius had had a fair bit himself, to calm his nerves and to try and forget that what he was about to do was the scariest thing he had ever done, and would probably ever do.

“Shoot,” Rowan said in a monotonous tone of voice as she took a swig of some foul-smelling Muggle liquor she had managed to get her hands on somehow.

“This is really important.” Scorpius said insistently, sitting himself up straight and facing them each briefly in turn.

“We’re all ears, Scorpius,” Molly said brightly, as Goyle grunted noncommittally from beside her, but Scorpius had expected nothing more from him. 

"Okay," Scorpius said, rubbing absently at his temple. "Jeez, this is hard. I think I need more booze."

Thankfully, Molly was more than happy to oblige, passing him the Muggle liquor that Rowan had just been drinking. She was herself a Muggleborn, but she had fitted right into Slytherin, showing the rest of the school that times really had changed. Sure, she could seem a bit shallow at times, but Scorpius had had six years to grow accustomed to that, and he didn't expect that to change anytime soon.

"Okay," he repeated, clearing his throat and gripping tightly onto the bottle which gave him a modicum of comfort. "The thing is, well – I am not who you think I am. Um..."

"You know you can tell us anything, dude," Rowan said, though her eyes were shut and she looked to be half-asleep. Scorpius frowned, unsure why this had been so much easier to explain to Albus. Perhaps because he hadn't known him, hadn't had the crushing weight of his opinion bearing down on him. That had all changed, of course, and things had to change here, too.

"Right," Scorpius responded awkwardly. "So, uh, the thing is, you all know me as Scorpius, but that's – that's not the name I was given when I was born. My parents picked it out for me, actually, when they realised that – that I was a boy."

"Oh," Molly's eyes widened. Even Rowan opened her own eyes and sat up, gazing at him intently. Goyle had a thoughtful expression on his face, which was quite incredible, all things considering.

"Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?" Scorpius asked in slight desperation.

"Well..." Rowan frowned slightly, glancing at Molly, who grinned. "If it's about the fact that you have a vagina, we already know."

Scorpius froze in a state of complete shock, feeling his heart drop right into his stomach.

"You knew?" He managed to choke out eventually, once the alcohol had worn away the shock.

"Yeah, I think it was..." Rowan paused, tapping her finger against her chin in thought.

"Last year," Molly contributed, still beaming widely.

"Yeah, last year. Molly was looking for a quill in your bag in Potions and she found a tampon in your bag." Rowan nodded wisely as Scorpius put his head in his hands, blushing fiercely and wishing he could just fade away from his existence altogether.

"I'm no genius, but I figured it after a little while," she said, reaching over to pat Scorpius gently on the shoulder. Scorpius just shook his head in disbelief. The fact that they already knew, and they understood, was almost incomprehensible, but somehow here he was, and the world hadn’t fallen away under his feet.

"I mean, you've always been a pretty secretive guy, and we didn't want to bring it up in case you didn't want to talk about it," Rowan said, shrugging.

"I had no idea," Goyle said gruffly, showing no more emotion than usual. "But I'm happy you've finally told us."

"Thanks," Scorpius said, finally willing to face them all once more. "I've never told anyone because my parents were always so insistent that I kept this a secret, and I guess that's always made me more afraid of people's reactions than I ought to be, but… Thank you. For proving me wrong."

"Oh, you know how much we love proving you wrong," Rowan said, taking another sip of her drink before leaning back and closing her eyes once more.

Scorpius truly couldn't quite believe this. He had spent so long simply expecting them to reject him, to hate him, to tear him to pieces, that he was having trouble coming to terms with this easy acceptance. His parents had always taught him to keep his true self hidden, deep, deep down within himself.

And while his friends hadn't always been the best throughout their six years of friendship, he had to accept that people were capable of making mistakes just as much as they were capable of being incredible and supportive. He himself had far too much experience in the making mistakes category recently for his liking.

"And… That's really alright with you guys?" Scorpius asked hesitantly.

"Oh, yes," Molly said. "You'll always be the Prince of Slytherin in our eyes."

Scorpius narrowed his eyes at her as she smiled indulgently at him.

"And… If I decide I want to be friends with Albus Potter after all?" He asked, thinking back to that terrible conversation only weeks ago.

"Oh, please, Scorpius," Rowan snorted with laughter. "The way you feel about him is as transparent as day."

"Even I knew that," Goyle piped up. There may even have been the faintest trace of a smile on his face, but Scorpius couldn't be certain.

"I hate you all." Scorpius said, burying his face back into his hands. "Why didn't you say anything? When I was being so horrible about him?"

"Because..." Molly frowned, looking pensive. "I don't know. Being rude about other people behind their back is just what we've always done. I had no idea he'd be listening."

"Yeah, I kind of feel like a total bitch now," Rowan said with a sigh. "I mean, he seems a fairly decent guy, even if I have never heard him say a word."

"And he is kind of cute," Molly added, sighing wistfully. "I mean, can you imagine how beautiful he'd be if he cut his hair and we could actually see his face?"

“What am I supposed to do?” Scorpius asked, feeling panic well up in his stomach all over again. “He hates me now, I’m certain of it. And I’m not saying he doesn’t have a good reason, but - how can I prove to him that I’m not like that? That I’m not really the jerk I was that night.”

“Not always, at least,” Rowan raised her eyebrow at him, and he scowled back.

“Well, have you talked at all since?” Molly asked, elbowing Rowan.

“He told me I should be myself, that I shouldn’t hide who I am truly am,” Scorpius frowned. “But you guys already knew, so none of that matters.”

“Then you have to prove it to him.” Goyle said.

“Thanks, Goyle, but I think we’ve already gathered that I really don’t know how to do that, and if I do, I’ll probably just mess it up anyway,” he muttered darkly. He felt bitter, inside, like all the bright places inside of him that had bloomed like flowers the night that he had kissed Albus had all shriveled and wilted, and now he wasn’t sure what it meant to be happy.

“I have an idea…” Molly said, grinning conspiratorially. Scorpius couldn’t help but groan, and didn’t even bother attempting to stifle it; Molly’s plans usually involved a lot of alcohol, a lot of bad decisions, and, funnily enough, a lack of actual planning.

“Oh, don’t be like that, Scorpius, you git.” She rolled her eyes. “You say you want to prove to him that you’re serious? Well… How about making an announcement? In front of the whole school? You know, about who you really are and all that.”

Scorpius stared at her incredulously, struggling to find the right words. “But - my parents -”

Rowan scoffed. “Come on, dude, Molly’s idea is good and you know it. Quite frankly, your parents are assholes if they expect you to hide this forever.”

“And it’d be so romantic,” Molly said with a wistful sigh. “like something out of a movie. Can you imagine, making the big announcement, and everybody’s all in shock, and then Albus walks up to the front and kisses you -”

Scorpius zoned out slightly, letting the sound of Molly’s voice wash over him. His lips were quirked in a smile, and his mind was made up. He was going to do it. He was going to tell everybody. Funnily enough, the thought didn’t fill him with nearly as much fear as it would have done before, and he found himself almost - almost - looking forward to it.

 

* * *

 

The next day was the last day of term before the Christmas holidays. Usually Scorpius would be feeling miserable at the thought of spending two weeks at home with only his parents for company, but today he felt light on his feet, and almost could have floated to his lessons despite their monotony.

Albus was still ignoring him as resolutely as ever, but that was alright. He sat at the other end of the still empty table in the Great Hall that evening before dinner, glancing covertly at Scorpius and his friends as they whispered to each other. They were discussing what Scorpius would do and say, but Scorpius knew that Albus had no way of knowing that, and probably thought that he had chickened out and kept silent with his friends about his identity. He couldn’t wait to see the look on the other boy’s face.

When the room had filled up and McGonagall stepped up to the front of the Hall, Scorpius’ heart was hammering in his chest, and he could barely keep still. He’d never felt apprehension quite like this, not even when he had kissed Albus. He only hoped that the outcome of this would be better.

“- I hope that you all have a restful Christmas, but not too restful, of course,” McGonagall was saying. Molly nudged him, hard, in the ribs, and he grunted. She gestured less than surreptitiously up at the front of the Hall, staring at him pointedly.

Deciding that it was now or never, Scorpius got to his feet and walked in as calm a manner as he could muster up to the front, trying to steady the shaking of his hands and the unsteadiness of his breath.

Upon seeing him, the headmistress cut off, raising an eyebrow in his direction. The Great Hall dissolved into whispers as Scorpius stepped up onto the raised platform, feeling his cheeks burn and trying very hard not to think about why.

“Excuse me, Professor, but there’s something I’d like to announce,” he said, clearing his throat.

“Mr. Malfoy, this is most unprecedented -” McGonagall began, tutting and shaking her head. Sparing a glance at the teacher’s table, Scorpius could see that they were watching him closely, all frowning disapprovingly. It wasn’t like he had given them much reason to like him, he supposed, before realising that he was becoming distracted.

“I’m sorry, Professor, I only need a moment or two,” he said, failing to keep the desperation out of his voice.

“Very well,” she relented, still shaking her head and pursing her lips even as she took a step back. Scorpius wondered if she knew, about him, but reasoned that his parents wouldn’t have dared risk sharing such information with anybody, not even someone to whom such information might have been beneficial.

“Thank you,” he said, breathing a sigh of relief and smiling briefly before awareness of the Herculean task he had ahead of him hit him like a brick wall.

“Um,” he cleared his throat again, feeling his cheeks burn as if they truly were ablaze, the rest of him to follow until he was just a pillar of flame. He had never been particularly good at public speaking, but when he spotted Albus in the crowd, staring up at him curiously, his chin on his hand and his head cocked slightly to the sight, he swallowed his fear. It was now or never.

“So, the thing is - I know you all have this idea in your head about who I am. The Prince of Slytherin, or whatever,” he chuckled dryly, but the Hall was more or less silent, four hundred or so pairs of eyes all watching him. “I know that being who I am has meant that I can’t really hide, and I know I have a bit of a reputation, but the truth is - I’m not who you think I am.”

He paused, his mind fumbling over the words he had prepared earlier. “And I’m saying this because I can’t hide that part of myself anymore. I realise some of you probably hate me, and I’ve been a jerk over the years, but that’s because I was afraid, afraid that someone might find out who I am.

“But yesterday I talked to my friends and realised that I don’t need to be ashamed of who I am, no matter what my parents have always told me. And yes, McGonagall’s right, this is unprecedented, but I can think of no other way to say this, and say it right.”

He took a deep breath. “The truth is, I’m transgender.”

Scorpius squeezed his eyes shut as whispers broke out across the Hall. He allowed himself a few seconds to pull himself together, and when he opened his eyes again, he immediately found Albus Potter, who was smiling now, wider than Scorpius had ever seen.

“And,” he continued, eyes still locked with Albus, unable to look away. “I realise this may come as a shock, but I can’t keep lying to you all, to everybody. Either you accept me as I am or you leave me alone, but I’m not going to hide who I am anymore, and I’m not going to let my parents think they can control my life for a moment longer.”

Albus got to his feet, causing the heads in the room to swivel back towards the Slytherin table. Grinning, he began to clap, and soon Molly, Rowan, and even Goyle had joined him, even the applause of four people thundering above the whispers.

Seconds later, Lily Potter stood up, joining in the applause and giving Scorpius a sly wink. Scorpius almost thought he was going to die right there of mortification when the rest of the school, following Lily’s lead, got to their feet and began clapping. Risking a glance back, he saw that even a few of the teachers were applauding him, and McGonagall nodded at him approvingly, stepping forward once more and effectively silencing the Hall with a wave of her hand.

“Thank you for your honesty, Mr. Malfoy,” she said, “as unorthodox a way as you may have chosen to express it.”

Scorpius grinned sheepishly and hurried off the stage, keeping his head bent low to avoid the stares as he slid back into his seat next to Molly, who wrapped her arms around him and squealed with what he could only assume was delight.

“I’m so proud of you, dude,” Rowan said from his other side, slapping him on the shoulder.

“You’re practically a Gryffindor,” Goyle said from across the table. Scorpius scowled at him, but deep down he couldn’t hide the thrill that this all made him feel.

Throughout the rest of the meal, Scorpius was certain he could feel Albus’ gaze on him, but he kept his eyes averted, certain that if he saw the look on Albus’ face, he’d simply fall apart. In fact, he tried to keep his eyes focused solely on the meal and on the three people around him, aware that people across the Hall and on his own table were whispering furtively about him.

When at last the meal was over, he tried to look for Albus, but found that he was nowhere to be seen. Typical, really, that just when Scorpius needed to talk to him most, he vanished.

Instead, he found himself accosted in the entrance of the school by none other than Rose Weasley and Lily Potter. He grimaced as they stood in front of him, arms crossed with almost identical expressions of disapproval. Desperately, he glanced towards his friends, but they just grinned at him before disappearing down the stairs.

“What do you want, Weasley?” Scorpius asked in a drawl. He and Rose had never gotten along, but that was hardly surprising.

“Drop the act, Malfoy,” she said, smirking. “Lily’s told me everything. About Albus, how you did all this for him.”

“Lily!” He clenched his fists, practically seething. Lily just smiled angelically at him, her light auburn hair framing her face like an obnoxious halo.

“Look, Malfoy,” Rose said. “I know we haven’t always gotten along,”

“An understatement, if you ask me,” Scorpius muttered. Rose glared back, and continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“I just want to say that what you did was really brave, and I’m sure my cousin will really appreciate it.” She said, a little awkwardly. “I also haven’t always gotten along great with Albus, but I think you and Lily have showed me that I need to change that.”

“Great,” Scorpius said, not entirely sincerely, wondering if she wanted a medal or something.

“I still think you’re an absolute git, of course,” Rose said as Lily rolled her eyes at her. “But what you did was really great, and I bet it helped a lot of students who might have been struggling.”

“Your point, Head Girl?” He asked.

“Just accept my compliment, Malfoy.”

“Fine. Thank you, Weasley. I’ll never forget your kindness.” 

Without another word, Rose nodded and stormed off, joining a group of her own friends, an eclectic bunch of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws.

“That was painful to watch,” Lily said, practically wincing.

“Why did you tell her - about how I feel about Albus?” Scorpius demanded.

“I didn’t!” Lily said defensively. “Not explicitly, at least. It was pretty obvious, the way you were giving him heart eyes during your speech. And when he stood up - in front of the whole school! - I thought I was going to collapse in shock. There’ll be a lot of whispers going around Hogwarts this weekend, and not just about your little announcement. Which was very brave, I must add.”

“Cheers,” Scorpius said, feeling his cheeks burn once more. Lily beamed up at him.

“No problem.” 

“You don’t happen to know where Albus is, do you?” Scorpius asked in as nonchalant a tone as possible, glancing around furtively. He had so much he wanted to say, so much he was desperate to explain. 

“‘Fraid not,” Lily said, shrugging her shoulders. “but I think, if you do talk to him, you might be surprised at just how talkative he can be.”

“I’ll bear that in mind,” Scorpius said, grinning, as he hurried off to go and find him.

 

* * *

 

In the end, somewhat surprisingly, Albus was nowhere to be found. Scorpius had checked in his dorm room, in the Slytherin common room, and had even wandered back to the bathroom where everything had begun to change on that fateful night, but eventually, exhaustion settling in his bones as the weight of what he had done began to weigh on his mind, he stumbled back to his bed, yawning all the way, and fell asleep the very second his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, Scorpius was jolted awake by the realisation that he would be going home today, and that he would have to face his parents. He groaned, and could easily have stayed in bed for the rest of the day, forfeiting Christmas at home entirely, but he knew he needed to find Albus before it was too late.

When Albus was nowhere to be found in the dorm, or at breakfast, Scorpius began to panic a little, twiddling his thumbs and trying not to sigh despairingly as he stared out of the carriage that was taking him and his friends down to Hogsmeade and the train that would take him back to his home, and whatever might await him there.

“You tried,” Molly said gently, her expression one of sincere disappointment.

“And you did an amazing thing,” Rowan pointed out. “If he thinks he can just keep playing you, then I’ll show him a piece of my mind.”

Scorpius couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at that. “I don’t think Albus Potter has a single mean bone in his body. If anything, he’s too shy to talk to me.”

“Scorpius, look!” Goyle said gruffly, nudging him and pointing towards the train, where Albus stood awkwardly with Maria, who was whispering fiercely to him and ensuring the other students kept a wide berth around the pair of them, though that did little to stop the stares and the gawking. 

When Albus spotted Scorpius, he waved briefly, as if without thinking, before his face flushed and he pulled Maria onto the train. Though Maria had always been quiet, Scorpius could hear her complaints from where he was standing, a number of feet away.

He wasn’t sure what to feel. Part of him felt hurt that Albus had snubbed him in that way, but he knew Albus, and the last thing he would have wanted would have been to cause a scene, especially after yesterday, and especially if the majority of the student body would be watching on eagerly, feeding fuel to the ever-burning fire that was the Hogwarts rumour mill.

Vowing to find him alone as soon as he could, Scorpius stepped up onto the Hogwarts Express and found a nice, secluded compartment with his friends. As the train set off, Scorpius tried to pay attention to Molly and Rowan’s conversation, as Goyle snoozed in the corner, but his mind was elsewhere.

After what felt like an eternity of staring out of the window, his mind turning in hopeless circles, Rowan nudged Scorpius fervently and Molly squealed. Glancing out of the compartment and into the corridor, Scorpius spotted Albus there, biting his lip anxiously, and almost leapt up from his seat in shock.

Albus gestured at Scorpius to follow him. He blinked, numbly, his mind failing him, until Molly pulled him out of his seat and shoved him ungraciously into the corridor with a wink. Scorpius followed closely behind him as they headed down the corridor, neither of them speaking. Scorpius could almost feel his heart pounding in his chest, and it was a concerted effort to avoid looking into other compartments to see what they made of Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy going for a stroll together through the Hogwarts Express.

Outside the very last compartment of the train stood Lily, a scowl on her face. When she became aware of the pair of them, her face broke into a wide grin, and she squealed in exactly the same way that Molly had.

“All yours, brother!” She said brightly. “The other prefects tried to get in but I told them where to shove it.”

“How you became a prefect, I will never know,” Scorpius said drily, his voice barely above a whisper. He cleared his throat awkwardly, and Albus looked back, smiling.

“That makes two of us!” She practically beamed with pride as she slyly observed the two of them, and if this were under any other circumstance, Scorpius would have punched her, but he wasn’t sure how Albus would react, so he went with giving her the finger.

Once they were settled into the compartment, and Scorpius had shooed Lily away, as well as Rose who had turned up to spy on the two of them, Albus took a deep breath, clearly steeling his nerves.

“I’m sorry,” Albus began, not meeting Scorpius’ eyes.

“You’re sorry?” Scorpius couldn’t help but ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Sorry - I - dammit!” Albus rolled his eyes. “I always apologise too much. I can’t help it.”

He paused for a few seconds, mouth half open, as if searching for the words. Scorpius let him find them, his heart beating out a quick and steady rhythm in his chest.

“I just -” Albus began again, meeting Scorpius’ eyes at last. “I haven’t been avoiding you. I promise. I just needed time to think about this. About everything, I guess. And I mean, there’s been no shortage of things to think about. I guess I should start with - I’m sorry. For real this time. That I ran away. That I thought you were using me or playing me or something. I know you’re sorry for the things you said. And I understand, I really do - that need to prove yourself to your friends, even if I only have one.”

Scorpius hung on his every word, barely able to catch his breath.

“But from what I saw yesterday, you underestimated your friends. And I underestimated you. And everything was all kind of one big mess, but - seeing you there, at the front of the Hall, baring your soul to everybody - that was just - I don’t even have words. It was amazing.”

Scorpius turned his face away, trying to hide the blush he could feel rising on his cheeks. It was December, after all; there could only be one explanation for the redness of his face, and it was one he was sure Albus and the rest of the school had seen far too much of lately.

Albus reached out, hesitantly, taking Scorpius’ chin in his hand and gently guiding Scorpius’ eyes to his, before his arm jerked back to his side, hovering. Scorpius felt a rush of something deep and almost unexplainable. If it had a name, it would have been love, but somehow that didn’t quite feel adequate to convey what he was feeling in that moment. 

“I did it for you,” Scorpius said, hoarsely, feeling himself tear up and wiping frantically at his eyes with the cuff of his robes. “I needed to prove to you that I meant what I said, I really did. You’re just… Wonderful. I think you saved me that night, I really do. I didn’t used to believe in fate or any of that bullshit but now I think - maybe that night was meant to happen, meant to bring us together.”

“I agree,” Albus whispered, and Scorpius was startled to see tears in his eyes, too. “And this is so stupid but I - I always just kind of felt that I was undeserving of love. But you showed me that things could be different. So maybe you saved me that night, too.

“And - I never felt that I could feel like this for anybody. I mean, I kind of - well, I guess I can say this now - I kind of had a crush on you and I’d managed to convince myself that nothing could come of it and then that night happened - that night! - and I realised that what I’d felt for you before was nothing, and then you kissed me and oh god please tell me to shut up, or I’m just going to keep-”

Scorpius was more than happy to oblige as he leaned forward, clasping Albus’ hands in his, and kissed him, trying to push his every emotion into it, trying to convey just some of that hope and despair and absolute, unequivocal happiness. Albus’ lips were soft, and warm, and Scorpius wanted to just drink in the feel of their lips meeting, their hands clasped together, their knees bumping awkwardly against each other in the enclosed space.

“Yes!” Scorpius shot back into his seat at the shout from outside. Albus’ eyes were wide as he absently touched his lips, smiling as if in disbelief. Scorpius gave his other hand one last squeeze as the door to the compartment was flung open and Lily flew in, evidently unable to contain her excitement for another moment.

“Oh, you two!” She practically gushed, looking fondly at her older brother. It was a far cry from the cynical Hufflepuff Scorpius had befriended over those long nights on the Astronomy tower, but he decided quickly that he liked this version of Lily just as much, as she fussed over him and her brother and didn’t seem to care a bit that she wasn’t particularly wanted.

“You can come in now!” She called, clapping her hands together, as Rose, Molly, and Rowan entered all at once, the Gryffindor standing as far away from the two Slytherins as she physically could. Lastly, Maria entered reluctantly, saying nothing, though she did allow Scorpius one small smile, which he took as a great compliment from the cold, seemingly indifferent Ravenclaw.

“Not to be overdramatic, but I think I believe in love again, thanks to you guys!” Lily said warmly as she unabashedly took the seat next to Albus, Maria taking the seat on his other side, as close to the exit as possible. Molly and Rowan sat at either side of Scorpius, and even Rowan could barely restrain her excitement.

“You’re fifteen,” Rose said pointedly, hovering awkwardly in the doorway. “You haven’t had time not to believe in love yet.”

“Preach it, sister.” Molly said enthusiastically, holding up her hand for a high five. Rose hesitated, before relaxing a little and high fiving her back and settling into the seat next to her.

Scorpius met Albus’ eye across the noise and disruption, and smiled as he took Albus’ hand from across the compartment, holding it without fear or worry and wondering just how he was so lucky.

 

* * *

 

“Well, aren’t we a perfect picture of House unity,” Rowan said in her usual dry, sarcastic way several hours later, as the train began to make its winding way through London. The previous hours had been some of the strangest, yet most enjoyable of Scorpius’ life, and he found himself wondering if this was it. That perfect, unattainable thing he had been striving for but had never quite been able to find. He was finally able to shed that false image he had created around himself, and he could finally just be, without fear of slipping up and saying the wrong thing.

At some point, Goyle had stumbled in, grinning slightly at the sight of Scorpius and Albus holding hands, and had promptly fallen back to sleep after settling himself in opposite Maria, who had stared at him cautiously ever since.

The weirdest part was that he had found himself laughing along with and even agreeing with what Rose was saying, and it had felt normal. 

Scorpius could see a future for himself, after Christmas. He could see things beginning to change for the better, and all because of Albus Potter and one fateful late-night meeting in a fateful Hogwarts bathroom. He could see himself being happy and content, no longer ashamed of who he was and being forced to hide it.

However, thoughts of shame and hiding inevitably brought about more unpleasant thoughts of having to face his parents, and as the Hogwarts Express drew ever closer to King’s Cross station, the anxiety within him grew until it reached almost unbearable levels and he had to excuse himself to catch a breath of fresh, crisp December air in the corridor.

He stood by the door with his hands clutching at his knees, breathing deeply, when he became aware of a figure in front of him. He exhaled slightly, feeling his stomach settle just a little as Albus came and stood next to him, taking his hand.

“I’m scared,” Scorpius admitted. “I don’t know how my parents are going to react - they’ve no doubt heard from the other parents by now, they’re all going to be talking to each other on that platform, I can see it now. I can’t face it.”

“You can do this,” Albus assured him. “We can do this.”

The train slowed rapidly as they approached Platform 9 and ¾ and students began to spill out into the corridor, laden with bags and cages. A hushed whisper spread through the corridor, but the sight of Albus straightening up beside him filled Scorpius with confidence and, taking one last deep breath, Scorpius stood tall, and proud, and unafraid.

The train came to a grindingly slow stop, and all at once the doors opened and he and Albus stepped onto the platform, hand in hand and ready to face the world together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end. thank you so much for reading! i appreciate each and every one of you so very much! <3
> 
> and remember, you can always follow me on twitter, @buzzybeeforever

**Author's Note:**

> i hoped you enjoyed that!! i love the idea of trans!Scorpius so i just had to write a fic about it... i'm not entirely certain when the next chapter will be out, as i don't really have a schedule for this fic, but keep your eyes peeled! (and let me know what you thought)


End file.
